Thursday, February 02, 2006

The Adequacy Scale

For those of you who have been reading the column in, you know I have been searching for guys who could be measured by their 'Adequacy.' Well, this scale can apply to lots of things. The ratings are the following in order of ascendance: the lowest, less than adequate, adequate, more than adequate, the one! Needless to say we are still looking for "the one" and we would compromise (not settle, never settle) for someone "more than adequate." And you?


Christine said...

I married LOML, actually. Not to say that it's been all easy. It hasn't. But I don't believe I ever settled.

You are young. It's not too late for you. In the meantime, be out there and keep your chin up.


susan said...

oh lucky you!!!!i have not given up really. just hate the looking process. best, ss

DC Mike said...

Susan - In your search for "the one" - have you asked yourself a few questions:
Why do you want to be in a relationship?, is it for the sex (it can be had anywhere)?; is it for the "friendship/sharing"?; is it for the "social status" - i.e., look at me I am married and complete?; or is it to reassure the self that you won't be alone in old age?

As you know, you don't need to be in a relationship to be feel complete. I don't know if you have completed a list of what is it that you are looking for in a man? I would be interested in knowing what your top 5 items are when seeking in a partner (partner being the "key" word here - since relationships require a partnership). For example, your list could be:
1) Financially secure
2) Straight or gay (depending on your own sexual preference)
3) Unmarried (no judging here)
4) Good looking
5) Fit and intellectually challenging.

Being a guy the list could include:
1) Good looking/Fit w/good body
2) Smart (intellectually)
3) Unmarried
4) Financially secure
5) Proven friend/Partner

Have fun in the Flordia sun and fishing for "the one."

susan said... much to think about. i really think i want a relationship now because i have been essentially alone since my divorce over 25 years ago!! I want to share things with someone on a continuous basis and yeah...great sex would be nice.

DC Mike said...

Susan, so you want a "relationship …to share things with someone on a continuous basis…." To do so, you need to turn up the heat. In the NYSD posting, you allude that you want to find a husband. A relationship and a husband are two different entities. I know some folks who have a husband and have no intimate relationship with their spouse. I also know folks who are not married and appear to have healthy wonderful intimate relationships with a partner.

Last fall, I watched an episode about how hard it is for women to find a date in New York City. Anyhow, there was this one gal, she was cute, smart, with a a good sense of humor What I did not like about her or did not understand, is why she would evaluate every guy she met as her future spouse. Why do women (and correct me if I am wrong) do ladies always seem to do this? Get over this way of thinking – there are no knights in shinning armor going around looking for someone to rescue. Anyhow, this gal also had sex with these suitors way too soon. This sent the wrong message to the guys. Who want's to marry a slut?

Susan - you are going through all the motions in trying to find a partner. However, you need to turn-up the heat. First and foremost ---stop being lazy (ouch - your word not mine). Get up earlier in the day and get out (go to the gym, take a walk/jog or go for a bike ride in the park). Yes, I said a ride in the park on a bike. Second – be more aggressive but not bitchy. Men are attracted to power but don’t' want to feel threatened. Next time you are out-and-about take the first step. Go up to someone you find interesting and introduce your self. Give the person your business or calling card and make a date on the spot. Be realistic, this may not work the first time; but are you really serious about meeting someone? It takes practice and you need to be more confident. Listen to your instinct - turn-around and bolt if you need to do so.

It is not my intent to be harsh. I am just challenging you. Do you want to be with someone who finds you confident or with someone who feels sorry for you? Lastly, don't dwell on your divorce (25 years is a long time ago). You are single intelligent woman - not a divorcee. Now turn off the computer and go for a walk around the neighborhood! Remember – CONFIDENCE!

susan said...

wow...just got back into town and caught up with your message. good advice..particularly the stuff about getting out and about more..will do it. actually have been lately. ss

Kelly said...

SS ... love your column in NYSD! - I've been following your 'quest' with great interest … as a single city gal myself, with many similar experiences – I really appreciate your stories and can totally relate ... good luck finding ‘the one’ – it ain’t easy … but better to be alone than be with someone and wish you were alone!